Man enters room. Six plastic chairs are in the room. Five people are sitting on five plastic chairs with one extra for the man. The chairs are arranged in a circle. The five  people are drinking coffee. Each wears a hat.

Man:            My name is Doug and I lost my marbles.

All Five:     Come in, Doug, come in. We wear hats. This is the right place.

Man:         Really? Do you have my marbles?

Lady Red Hat:     Only you know that for sure.

Man:     How could I? I don’t know if you have my marbles. But I know FOR SURE that I lost my marbles.

Fedora:     How can you say that?

Fruit Hat:     Yeah! How do you know you ever even had your marbles?

Baseball hat:     And isn’t marbles just a generic term?

Man:     What?

Bike Helmet:    You know. It’s not specific enough. Perception is reality and all.

Man:     Marbles! I lost my marbles. That’s what I’m looking for (pause, loud exhale) Pretty specific, eh?

Lady Red Hat:    So you’re saying that you lost your marbles then?

Man:        Yes! Exactly!

Lady Red Hat:     How do you know your marbles aren’t the cause of your troubles to begin with?

Man:            Who said I have troubles?

Baseball Hat:    You said you lost your marbles. That sounds like trouble to me.

Other Hats:     Yeah. Yeah it does.

Man:        But who are you to judge me? Who are any of you and what gives you the right?

Bike Helmet:    Well, we belong to a group. That’s what gives us the right.

Fedora:    Yeah, that’s why I joined. (Holding a marble) When you’re in a group, you can do anything as long as everyone else does too.

Man:         (Noticing the marble) Even steal my marbles?

Fedora:        It’s not stealing. It’s finders-keepers.

Fruit Hat:    (pointing at Man) Yeah, losers-weepers!

Bike Helmet:     And as a group we can judge without having to think. We can judge you and we did and we think you are guilty.

Man:        Guilty? Guilty of what? This is preposterous.

Lady Red Hat:    We judged him? Guilty? I don’t really recall that. But, well, okay. As long as I don’t have to think.

Man:            Guilty of what?

Fruit Hat:     I voted guilty?

Fedora:    I do what everyone says.

Bike helmet:    Look look at him. Guilty as hell.

Man:            Guilty of what?

Fruit Hat:    Yeah, guilty of what?

Baseball hat:     Why, guilty of having troubles, of course. It’s obvious, isn’t it? You, sir, are a man without marbles.

Fruit Hat:     Oh, guilty of that.

Fedora:    Wow, he does have issues. (staring at man) You need to join a group and get a hat.

Man:     Will that help me find my marbles?

Fedora:     Well, you’ll be in group.

Fruit Hat:    And you’ll have a hat.

 

—
ACT 2

Same room. Now six plastic chairs and a table in the middle. Bike Helmet is seated at the head of the table on a wobbly chair. On top of the table is a glass goldfish bowl filled with marbles. The man who entered the room at the beginning of play is now wearing a beanie with a propeller on top.

Man:        Look, I have a hat.

Bike helmet:  Now you are part of the group.

Man to Bike Helmet: What’s wrong with your chair?

Bike Helmet: I’ve got a few loose screws. That’s why I think I am in charge of the group.

Man:    Why did the group steal my marbles?

Fedora (Incredulous):         How can you be sure these are your marbles?

Man:            They must be.

Baseball Hat:    Why? Just because you lost your marbles and now there are marbles here, you think these are your marbles. Really? What if someone purchased marbles and brought them here?

Man:            That’s silly. Where would anyone buy marbles?

Bike Helmet:     At the marble store, where else?

Man:         Money can’t buy marbles.

Bike Helmet:    Money buys everything.

Man:     Even marbles?

Bike Helmet:     There’s always a store.

Lady Red Hat:    If you have your marbles, the only other thing you need is your health.

Baseball Hat:    And money. You need money.

Fedora:         No you don’t.

Bike helmet:    I do. How do you think I bought these marbles?

Baseball Hat:    I knew it!

Man:            Hey, those are my marbles.

Baseball Hat:     He just said he bought those marbles, and now you think those are your marbles? That’s funny. You have really have lost your marbles, haven’t you?

Man:     (Stands) That’s it. I’m going home.

Baseball hat:     Where do you live?

Man:     In that building, over there, where the elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top.

Baseball hat:    Hey, I live there too.

Fruit Hat:    So do I.

Fedora:    I’ve lived there all my life.

Lady Red Hat:    I live there too. Let’s all walk there together.

Fruit Hat:    When we get there, do you want to play cards?

Lady Red Hat:    Sure, but I don’t have a full deck.

Fruit Hat:    I never play with a full deck of cards.

Everyone leaves the room. No one takes the marbles. Next to them is the beanie with the propeller on top.

THE END