Man enters room. Six plastic chairs are in the room. Five people are sitting on five plastic chairs with one extra for the man. The chairs are arranged in a circle. The five people are drinking coffee. Each wears a hat.
Man: My name is Doug and I lost my marbles.
All Five: Come in, Doug, come in. We wear hats. This is the right place.
Man: Really? Do you have my marbles?
Lady Red Hat: Only you know that for sure.
Man: How could I? I don’t know if you have my marbles. But I know FOR SURE that I lost my marbles.
Fedora: How can you say that?
Fruit Hat: Yeah! How do you know you ever even had your marbles?
Baseball hat: And isn’t marbles just a generic term?
Bike Helmet: You know. It’s not specific enough. Perception is reality and all.
Man: Marbles! I lost my marbles. That’s what I’m looking for (pause, loud exhale) Pretty specific, eh?
Lady Red Hat: So you’re saying that you lost your marbles then?
Man: Yes! Exactly!
Lady Red Hat: How do you know your marbles aren’t the cause of your troubles to begin with?
Man: Who said I have troubles?
Baseball Hat: You said you lost your marbles. That sounds like trouble to me.
Other Hats: Yeah. Yeah it does.
Man: But who are you to judge me? Who are any of you and what gives you the right?
Bike Helmet: Well, we belong to a group. That’s what gives us the right.
Fedora: Yeah, that’s why I joined. (Holding a marble) When you’re in a group, you can do anything as long as everyone else does too.
Man: (Noticing the marble) Even steal my marbles?
Fedora: It’s not stealing. It’s finders-keepers.
Fruit Hat: (pointing at Man) Yeah, losers-weepers!
Bike Helmet: And as a group we can judge without having to think. We can judge you and we did and we think you are guilty.
Man: Guilty? Guilty of what? This is preposterous.
Lady Red Hat: We judged him? Guilty? I don’t really recall that. But, well, okay. As long as I don’t have to think.
Man: Guilty of what?
Fruit Hat: I voted guilty?
Fedora: I do what everyone says.
Bike helmet: Look look at him. Guilty as hell.
Man: Guilty of what?
Fruit Hat: Yeah, guilty of what?
Baseball hat: Why, guilty of having troubles, of course. It’s obvious, isn’t it? You, sir, are a man without marbles.
Fruit Hat: Oh, guilty of that.
Fedora: Wow, he does have issues. (staring at man) You need to join a group and get a hat.
Man: Will that help me find my marbles?
Fedora: Well, you’ll be in group.
Fruit Hat: And you’ll have a hat.
Same room. Now six plastic chairs and a table in the middle. Bike Helmet is seated at the head of the table on a wobbly chair. On top of the table is a glass goldfish bowl filled with marbles. The man who entered the room at the beginning of play is now wearing a beanie with a propeller on top.
Man: Look, I have a hat.
Bike helmet: Now you are part of the group.
Man to Bike Helmet: What’s wrong with your chair?
Bike Helmet: I’ve got a few loose screws. That’s why I think I am in charge of the group.
Man: Why did the group steal my marbles?
Fedora (Incredulous): How can you be sure these are your marbles?
Man: They must be.
Baseball Hat: Why? Just because you lost your marbles and now there are marbles here, you think these are your marbles. Really? What if someone purchased marbles and brought them here?
Man: That’s silly. Where would anyone buy marbles?
Bike Helmet: At the marble store, where else?
Man: Money can’t buy marbles.
Bike Helmet: Money buys everything.
Man: Even marbles?
Bike Helmet: There’s always a store.
Lady Red Hat: If you have your marbles, the only other thing you need is your health.
Baseball Hat: And money. You need money.
Fedora: No you don’t.
Bike helmet: I do. How do you think I bought these marbles?
Baseball Hat: I knew it!
Man: Hey, those are my marbles.
Baseball Hat: He just said he bought those marbles, and now you think those are your marbles? That’s funny. You have really have lost your marbles, haven’t you?
Man: (Stands) That’s it. I’m going home.
Baseball hat: Where do you live?
Man: In that building, over there, where the elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top.
Baseball hat: Hey, I live there too.
Fruit Hat: So do I.
Fedora: I’ve lived there all my life.
Lady Red Hat: I live there too. Let’s all walk there together.
Fruit Hat: When we get there, do you want to play cards?
Lady Red Hat: Sure, but I don’t have a full deck.
Fruit Hat: I never play with a full deck of cards.
Everyone leaves the room. No one takes the marbles. Next to them is the beanie with the propeller on top.