Most Honorable North Korean Cheeseburgers

The Most Honorable Kim Jong Un, Forever Leader of North Korea, has an announcement: Hey America! Dude. Let’s grab a cheeseburger. Please. No? Damn you!

Yeah America, I’m talking to you. Okay, look dude, I really just want to be cool like you. That, plus everyone around me is hungry and it bums me out. So let’s grab a cheeseburger and hang out. Deal?

Don’t you get it. No? Well then you’re gonna get it. Don’t you mess with me, America. I’m in a fighting mood. In fact, I’ll meet you down on the playground in ten minutes. You will? Well, um, okay, I’ll let you know about that.

I just remembered. I got a thing. But I’m telling you, you’ll be hearing from me.

Consider this. I have already befriended American royalty, Sir Dennis Rodman, the Duchess of Detroit. If you will just meet me for a cheeseburger and beer, you will also see how cool I am.

If you, America, will meet me for a cheeseburger, I will even quit pretending the giant pencil from our giant pencil factory is a missile. I’ll also quit pretending that my geraniums are uranium. Come on, dude. You know all this.

Since you have been so willing to humor me, can’t we just get together and watch a Miami Heat game? Oh, and can you bring the cheeseburgers? We don’t have any.

I mean it, America. I damn you. I hereby declare it so. How’s that feel?

One more thing. Hey China! Dude. Let’s grab some Chinese food. Do you know where I can get any?


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The Assault Cheeseburger Ban

First they came for my big gulp sodas, but I said nothing because I don’t like big gulp sodas.

Then they came for… well, they haven’t come for anything else yet, but just wait. Freedom and liberty are at stake, or steak. Maybe they are coming for steak. I would, if someone was serving steak. But I am not them.

They are mean people who do not like freedom or liberty and so I am afraid that by the time they come for the cheeseburgers there will be no one left to speak for the cheeseburgers. It is an historically slippery slope.

Actually, first they came for assault weapons, but no one took that talk seriously.


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Holy Green Beer And Cheeseburgers!

Happy St. Patrick’s Day! After St. Patrick killed the snakes, he cooked cheeseburgers for everyone in Ireland, right?

Cheeseburgers and potatoes; probably French fries.

It’s hard not to feel especially Catholic these days, what with a new pope and all. So after a brutal primary campaign and three televised debates, a new pope has taken the oath of office. With the most fun Catholic holiday upon us, is there a better time to talk about a little rebranding? Wine and wafers were so last pope. It’s time to move to beer and cheeseburgers.

You know, update the whole model more along the lines of Buffalo Wild Wings, where the bartender can speed up the sermon with the remote control. Of course, there would be a bartender. It’s St. Patrick’s Day.

It’s a perfectly logical evolution. Argentina is known for beef. Pope Francis is from Argentina. So does a new Pope mean cheeseburgers in church? It would be easier to do than involving women.


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The TSA Cheeseburger Policy

I love the new TSA cheeseburger policy allowing knives on airplanes. Knives are used to cut tomatoes, which go on cheeseburgers. Right?

Finally, there is government agency responsive to the needs of the people. I need a slice of tomato on my cheeseburger, which I plan to eat during a game of darts, or perhaps a little skeet shooting. Flying is safe again!

Soon, I’ll be able to wheel a grill with a huge propane tank to seat 23D and ask the guy across the aisle to flip my burger for me. There is too much regulation if I cannot cook cheeseburgers a mile in the air. If knives don’t cause a problem on a plane, would propane and fire? I can’t imagine a huge propane tank would represent any danger, as long as I take my shoes off before boarding.

Cheeseburger Drones of the Future

Best case scenario: Big Brother’s big brother, Bob, is a cheeseburger-delivering drone. Worst case: collateral damage worse than cholesterol.

Rand Paul talked almost 13 hours about the limits of presidential power when it comes to drone warfare. The question isn’t whether a president can order an American killed on American soil, or anywhere in the world. Of course he can, just as easily as he can order a cheeseburger.

Now, if there were cheeseburger-delivering drones for all Americans, that would be awesome. But it’s probably too expensive.

Life is cheap, cheeseburgers are expensive.


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Dow Jones Cheeseburger Economics

The Dow Jones Industrial Average surged to a record high on Tuesday because cheeseburgers taste good, said a prominent professor of economics.

According to a compelling new cheeseburger-based economic theory spelled out in a hastily-called news conference by Professor Eddie Mustard of Freecheezeburgerz University, there is an unofficial and, until now, unnamed 31st member of the Dow. Everyone knows that there are 30 official members of the Dow – Walt Disney, Bank of America, Exxon Mobil and the like.

Freecheezeburgerz Inc. is the secret 31st member of the Dow, he said.

The secret presence of the Freecheezeburgerz Inc. brand on the Dow caused other CEOs to order free cheeseburgers for their employees, and that was the moment when productivity and profits in America began to grow again, said Professor Mustard.

“You can even google it for proof, now that this story is on the Internet,” he added.

Professor Mustard explained that after the stock market crisis of 2009, the cabal of left-handed hobos that run the world secretly put Freecheezeburgerz Inc. on the Dow Jones Industrial Average because there is near unanimous agreement across both the financial world and the left-handed hobo world that cheeseburgers taste good.

While Freecheezeburgerz Inc. itself has never actually made anything, not even cheeseburgers, or provided any service, such as just serve cheeseburgers, Professor Mustard said this business model is proven to attract investors, and people who own cell phones.

Pressed by the Freecheezeburgerz Daily Bugle on the specifics of the Freecheezeburgerz Inc. business model, Professor Eddie Mustard of Freecheezeburgerz University said, “the important thing is that cheeseburgers taste good… Cheeseburgers taste good, and the stock market is at an all-time high. This is not a coincidence.”

He ended the press conference with these words: “It’s economics. I’ve got a theory, therefore I am an expert.”


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Dennis Rodman’s Cheeseburger Diplomacy

Dennis Rodman, as secretary of state for the nation of Freecheezeburgerz, was given a suitcase full of cheeseburgers and one assignment. Pick a best friend.

That is how our president, me, ended up in a fantasy basketball league with Kim Jong Un. The point is that you can give a suitcase full of cheeseburgers to virtually anyone and make peace with absolutely anyone else. This has now been proven.

As a country, Free Cheezeburgerz did not set out to make peace with anyone. What’s the point of that? Our country just wanted a new friend.

There are so many nations, it can make your head spin. That is why our nation chose Dennis Rodman as secretary of state. He has enough piercings in his head to stop it from spinning.

Our country honestly thought finding a best friend would be a deliberative process by Dennis Rodman, as if he was signing with an NBA team. We figured he’d get a high-powered agent involved in the negotiations with multiple countries, and there would be all sorts of gamesmanship as these countries vied to be our new best friend. Our country even thought of hiring Jim Gray to do a show on ESPN. We could call it, The New Best Friend Decision.

The truth is, Free Cheezeburgerz is a bit of a novice at being a country but we like sports. So after we declared our independence, and I was unanimously elected president, we received a resume from Dennis Rodman, and we had an epiphany.

We need a foreign policy, we thought.

Naturally, Dennis Rodman was the best person to represent Freecheezeburgerz all over the world. Still, when he returned and said Kim Jong Un wants us to call him and talk basketball, we sarcastically asked if Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was too busy. Dennis Rodman said yes.

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Cheeseburger Sequestration Restaurant

Just as $85 billion in cuts to America’s cheeseburger budget take effect, I opened the Cheeseburger Sequestration Restaurant.

This is the best cheeseburger restaurant in the America, catering to everyone. There will be a left side of the restaurant, and there will be a right side of the restaurant.

On the right side of the Cheeseburger Sequestration Restaurant, prices will be be very low. The cheeseburgers will be made from horse meat or whatever meat-like product that is available on the free market, which includes the back of a truck on the Jersey Turnpike. Cost savings and all other effects from no food inspections will be passed directly to the customer. This right half of the Cheeseburger Sequestration Restaurant will be built without permits to save money for the customer. All chairs will have three legs. There will be one corner of the right side of the restaurant wrapped in gold and diamonds. Only 1 percent of all customers will be allowed in there. Restaurant rules will require everyone like it that way.

On the left side of the Cheeseburger Sequestration Restaurant, prices will be extraordinarily high although you may notice many of your neighbors eat for free. Much of the left side of the building will be built out of $4,000 hammers, though there will be some wood and brick too. It will be inspected, and solid. Some inspectors will somehow soon own mansions. This half of the restaurant will choose to borrow heavily from a vegetarian on the other side of the world. The cheeseburgers will be spectacular, and so will the bills, causing worry that the vegetarian bankrolling the left side of the Cheeseburger Sequestration Restaurant might begin thinking of switching from cheeseburgers to seaweed. But on the left side of the restaurant, it will be fun not to worry about the vegetarian who keeps lending the restaurant money.

The bar will be strategically in the middle because the Cheeseburger Sequestration Restaurant encourages obstinate confrontational behavior. The bar will serve cheeseburgers missing either cheese or burger.

After all, the Cheeseburger Sequestration Restaurant is more than just a restaurant. It’s also reality TV.  It’s just not reality, or is it?

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Papal Cheeseburgers; watching the smoke

If black smoke equals no pope and white smoke equals a new pope, does gray smoke mean the cheeseburgers are done? Holy smoke!

Only someone with great training and a link to the all-knowing can determine when the cheeseburgers are done.

So what about the waiting-for-masses who are also waiting at the papal drive-through window? Surely they see the “help wanted” sign posted.

Should they believe  the cheeseburgers will still be good? Well, yes, of course they should believe the cheeseburgers will be good.

Cheeseburgers come from a higher power.

Gray smoke simply means that the cheeseburgers are almost done. Many people in the faith have different theological opinions on when the cheeseburgers are done. That’s why the world needs a new pope.

Because for each of us, the way to cook a cheeseburger feels like a papal order.


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Latest Cheeseburger News

A man in New Castle, Indiana recently called 911 nine times in a 90-minute span trying to order a cheeseburger. Why? Obviously, it was an emergency.

Maybe the only person safe enough to deliver a cheeseburger was a paramedic also carrying a defibrillator. Maybe a gun-toting cop was needed to say to all potential cheeseburger thieves, “Step away from the cheeseburger.”  Or maybe a fireman was needed to cook a cheeseburger on the grill without burning down the house. There are many types of cheeseburger emergencies.

It turned out the local police department thought otherwise, but were worried the caller might be hungry. The man helped them out by giving them his name, which led them to visit. By now, you are thinking this is going to be a heartwarming story with a happy ending. Aren’t you? Admit it, you think the cops brought the man a cheeseburger because they understood the medical concept of a cheeseburger emergency.

Wouldn’t it be great if the world worked that way.

But this is not that cheeseburger nirvana world that you dream of. This is the real world where cops look up the records of people who call 911 nine times asking for a cheeseburger. So if you are going to call 911 nine times asking for cheeseburger, it is probably better not to have a warrant out for your arrest. The caller in this story had a long arrest record and a warrant out for missing a previous court date. When the cops showed up, they arrested him and put him in the county jail.

And yet he, like those who have practiced civil disobedience before him, may yet be remembered as the visionary who first understood that America can become a place where all businesses, big and small, must serve cheeseburgers. Everyone. Even ambulances, police cars, and fire trucks. It’s so true. The need for a cheeseburgers can be an emergency.

Is it a crime to have a cheeseburger emergency? Is that the kind of America that we want to live in?

It’s up to everyone to change this. It’s up to me, and you. I’ve got a cheeseburger right up above for you. Your job should serve cheeseburgers too.

Teachers should serve cheeseburgers. Car salesmen should serve cheeseburgers. Even ditch diggers. You should be able to walk by any random ditch being dug and get a cheeseburger on demand. Asking nine times is just too much.

But asking an emergency operator nine times for a cheeseburger might land a person in jail in some places, especially if you have a warrant out for your arrest. And that’s when the cruel and unusual punishment of this Kafka-esque story really begins. Our trailblazing hero was treated like some kind of criminal with a long arrest record, not someone facing an actual cheeseburger emergency.

In jail, he was given a peanut butter-and-jelly sandwich.

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