Just as $85 billion in cuts to America’s cheeseburger budget take effect, I opened the Cheeseburger Sequestration Restaurant.
This is the best cheeseburger restaurant in the America, catering to everyone. There will be a left side of the restaurant, and there will be a right side of the restaurant.
On the right side of the Cheeseburger Sequestration Restaurant, prices will be be very low. The cheeseburgers will be made from horse meat or whatever meat-like product that is available on the free market, which includes the back of a truck on the Jersey Turnpike. Cost savings and all other effects from no food inspections will be passed directly to the customer. This right half of the Cheeseburger Sequestration Restaurant will be built without permits to save money for the customer. All chairs will have three legs. There will be one corner of the right side of the restaurant wrapped in gold and diamonds. Only 1 percent of all customers will be allowed in there. Restaurant rules will require everyone like it that way.
On the left side of the Cheeseburger Sequestration Restaurant, prices will be extraordinarily high although you may notice many of your neighbors eat for free. Much of the left side of the building will be built out of $4,000 hammers, though there will be some wood and brick too. It will be inspected, and solid. Some inspectors will somehow soon own mansions. This half of the restaurant will choose to borrow heavily from a vegetarian on the other side of the world. The cheeseburgers will be spectacular, and so will the bills, causing worry that the vegetarian bankrolling the left side of the Cheeseburger Sequestration Restaurant might begin thinking of switching from cheeseburgers to seaweed. But on the left side of the restaurant, it will be fun not to worry about the vegetarian who keeps lending the restaurant money.
The bar will be strategically in the middle because the Cheeseburger Sequestration Restaurant encourages obstinate confrontational behavior. The bar will serve cheeseburgers missing either cheese or burger.
After all, the Cheeseburger Sequestration Restaurant is more than just a restaurant. It’s also reality TV. It’s just not reality, or is it?