Ryan Braun’s Next Excuse; Performance-Enhancing Cheeseburgers

You got me. Look, I know I denied it, but you got me. I’ve been using cheeseburgers and they have helped my performance at this minimum wage job.

Jul 10, 2013; Milwaukee, WI, USA;  Milwaukee Brewers left fielder Ryan Braun watches game against the Cincinnati Reds from the dugout at Miller Park. Braun was not in the starting lineup.  Mandatory Credit: Benny Sieu-USA TODAY SportsI know I said I wouldn’t use them. But have you seen how well I can sweep a floor? Can Jimmy do that? No, Jimmy can not do that. I know I said I didn’t use them. But that’s not really the point, is it?

You don’t get it, do you? I am a crowd-pleaser. The people who come into this building, owned by you, are thrilled by my performance.

Why just yesterday, that old guy that always sits over there yelled right at me, “You’re something!. You know that? You’re really something!”

So you go ahead and suspend me if you want. I’ll accept your verdict. Don’t blame me when nobody comes here anymore.

I’ll move on. I’ll survive just fine. I got mine.

And I gave as good as I got, eh? Oh, sorry about that. It wasn’t me. It was the cheeseburgers talking. I had a bit of cheeseburger rage. When I write a book, it will help my book sales. Life is good.

I’ve learned that it’s only cheating if you get caught, and I still get to keep every minimum wage dollar I earned. That’s better living though cheeseburgers.

Yeah, so good luck selling Jimmy to your customers.  I’m laughing all the way to the bank.