Why Free Cheeseburgers?

The most American of all meals is the cheeseburger. Despite our actual dead turkey holiday, the ballpark obsession with the hot dog, and a deep communal love for apple pie, it is the cheeseburger that unites us as a nation.

From sea to shining sea, through the prairies, in the mountains, and by the rivers – even if there is not a fast food joint for miles – we are a cheeseburger nation. We cook them ourselves, or the local diner does. All real Americans love cheeseburgers somehow or other. The right to a free cheeseburger is an implicit part of the American Constitution.

You may think that vegetarians and vegans are not part of cheeseburger nation, but surely they love a cheeseburger lover. “I may not love cheeseburgers, but I love someone who does.” In this way, the cheeseburger unites us all.

Face it, most of us love cheeseburgers. Even crappy fast-food cheeseburgers hit the spot at the right moment. Cheeseburgers, in fact, are spot-hitters in ways that few things in life can hit any spot.

Cheeseburgers are the best things, and the best things in life are free, so free cheeseburgers are the best things in life. I am asking my readers, isn’t it true? Once, Bobby Kennedy noted that some looked at things the way they were and asked why, but he looked at things that never were and asked why not. In that vein, for those who ask why free cheeseburgers, I ask why not free cheeseburgers?