Most Honorable North Korean Cheeseburgers

The Most Honorable Kim Jong Un, Forever Leader of North Korea, has an announcement: Hey America! Dude. Let’s grab a cheeseburger. Please. No? Damn you!

Yeah America, I’m talking to you. Okay, look dude, I really just want to be cool like you. That, plus everyone around me is hungry and it bums me out. So let’s grab a cheeseburger and hang out. Deal?

Don’t you get it. No? Well then you’re gonna get it. Don’t you mess with me, America. I’m in a fighting mood. In fact, I’ll meet you down on the playground in ten minutes. You will? Well, um, okay, I’ll let you know about that.

I just remembered. I got a thing. But I’m telling you, you’ll be hearing from me.

Consider this. I have already befriended American royalty, Sir Dennis Rodman, the Duchess of Detroit. If you will just meet me for a cheeseburger and beer, you will also see how cool I am.

If you, America, will meet me for a cheeseburger, I will even quit pretending the giant pencil from our giant pencil factory is a missile. I’ll also quit pretending that my geraniums are uranium. Come on, dude. You know all this.

Since you have been so willing to humor me, can’t we just get together and watch a Miami Heat game? Oh, and can you bring the cheeseburgers? We don’t have any.

I mean it, America. I damn you. I hereby declare it so. How’s that feel?

One more thing. Hey China! Dude. Let’s grab some Chinese food. Do you know where I can get any?


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Cheeseburger Drones of the Future

Best case scenario: Big Brother’s big brother, Bob, is a cheeseburger-delivering drone. Worst case: collateral damage worse than cholesterol.

Rand Paul talked almost 13 hours about the limits of presidential power when it comes to drone warfare. The question isn’t whether a president can order an American killed on American soil, or anywhere in the world. Of course he can, just as easily as he can order a cheeseburger.

Now, if there were cheeseburger-delivering drones for all Americans, that would be awesome. But it’s probably too expensive.

Life is cheap, cheeseburgers are expensive.


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