Lost Marbles in Two Acts

Man enters room. Six plastic chairs are in the room. Five people are sitting on five plastic chairs with one extra for the man. The chairs are arranged in a circle. The five  people are drinking coffee. Each wears a hat.

Man:            My name is Doug and I lost my marbles.

All Five:     Come in, Doug, come in. We wear hats. This is the right place.

Man:         Really? Do you have my marbles?

Lady Red Hat:     Only you know that for sure.

Man:     How could I? I don’t know if you have my marbles. But I know FOR SURE that I lost my marbles.

Fedora:     How can you say that?

Fruit Hat:     Yeah! How do you know you ever even had your marbles?

Baseball hat:     And isn’t marbles just a generic term?

Man:     What?

Bike Helmet:    You know. It’s not specific enough. Perception is reality and all.

Man:     Marbles! I lost my marbles. That’s what I’m looking for (pause, loud exhale) Pretty specific, eh?

Lady Red Hat:    So you’re saying that you lost your marbles then?

Man:        Yes! Exactly!

Lady Red Hat:     How do you know your marbles aren’t the cause of your troubles to begin with?

Man:            Who said I have troubles?

Baseball Hat:    You said you lost your marbles. That sounds like trouble to me.

Other Hats:     Yeah. Yeah it does.

Man:        But who are you to judge me? Who are any of you and what gives you the right?

Bike Helmet:    Well, we belong to a group. That’s what gives us the right.

Fedora:    Yeah, that’s why I joined. (Holding a marble) When you’re in a group, you can do anything as long as everyone else does too.

Man:         (Noticing the marble) Even steal my marbles?

Fedora:        It’s not stealing. It’s finders-keepers.

Fruit Hat:    (pointing at Man) Yeah, losers-weepers!

Bike Helmet:     And as a group we can judge without having to think. We can judge you and we did and we think you are guilty.

Man:        Guilty? Guilty of what? This is preposterous.

Lady Red Hat:    We judged him? Guilty? I don’t really recall that. But, well, okay. As long as I don’t have to think.

Man:            Guilty of what?

Fruit Hat:     I voted guilty?

Fedora:    I do what everyone says.

Bike helmet:    Look look at him. Guilty as hell.

Man:            Guilty of what?

Fruit Hat:    Yeah, guilty of what?

Baseball hat:     Why, guilty of having troubles, of course. It’s obvious, isn’t it? You, sir, are a man without marbles.

Fruit Hat:     Oh, guilty of that.

Fedora:    Wow, he does have issues. (staring at man) You need to join a group and get a hat.

Man:     Will that help me find my marbles?

Fedora:     Well, you’ll be in group.

Fruit Hat:    And you’ll have a hat.



Same room. Now six plastic chairs and a table in the middle. Bike Helmet is seated at the head of the table on a wobbly chair. On top of the table is a glass goldfish bowl filled with marbles. The man who entered the room at the beginning of play is now wearing a beanie with a propeller on top.

Man:        Look, I have a hat.

Bike helmet:  Now you are part of the group.

Man to Bike Helmet: What’s wrong with your chair?

Bike Helmet: I’ve got a few loose screws. That’s why I think I am in charge of the group.

Man:    Why did the group steal my marbles?

Fedora (Incredulous):         How can you be sure these are your marbles?

Man:            They must be.

Baseball Hat:    Why? Just because you lost your marbles and now there are marbles here, you think these are your marbles. Really? What if someone purchased marbles and brought them here?

Man:            That’s silly. Where would anyone buy marbles?

Bike Helmet:     At the marble store, where else?

Man:         Money can’t buy marbles.

Bike Helmet:    Money buys everything.

Man:     Even marbles?

Bike Helmet:     There’s always a store.

Lady Red Hat:    If you have your marbles, the only other thing you need is your health.

Baseball Hat:    And money. You need money.

Fedora:         No you don’t.

Bike helmet:    I do. How do you think I bought these marbles?

Baseball Hat:    I knew it!

Man:            Hey, those are my marbles.

Baseball Hat:     He just said he bought those marbles, and now you think those are your marbles? That’s funny. You have really have lost your marbles, haven’t you?

Man:     (Stands) That’s it. I’m going home.

Baseball hat:     Where do you live?

Man:     In that building, over there, where the elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top.

Baseball hat:    Hey, I live there too.

Fruit Hat:    So do I.

Fedora:    I’ve lived there all my life.

Lady Red Hat:    I live there too. Let’s all walk there together.

Fruit Hat:    When we get there, do you want to play cards?

Lady Red Hat:    Sure, but I don’t have a full deck.

Fruit Hat:    I never play with a full deck of cards.

Everyone leaves the room. No one takes the marbles. Next to them is the beanie with the propeller on top.


Ryan Braun’s Next Excuse; Performance-Enhancing Cheeseburgers

You got me. Look, I know I denied it, but you got me. I’ve been using cheeseburgers and they have helped my performance at this minimum wage job.

Jul 10, 2013; Milwaukee, WI, USA;  Milwaukee Brewers left fielder Ryan Braun watches game against the Cincinnati Reds from the dugout at Miller Park. Braun was not in the starting lineup.  Mandatory Credit: Benny Sieu-USA TODAY SportsI know I said I wouldn’t use them. But have you seen how well I can sweep a floor? Can Jimmy do that? No, Jimmy can not do that. I know I said I didn’t use them. But that’s not really the point, is it?

You don’t get it, do you? I am a crowd-pleaser. The people who come into this building, owned by you, are thrilled by my performance.

Why just yesterday, that old guy that always sits over there yelled right at me, “You’re something!. You know that? You’re really something!”

So you go ahead and suspend me if you want. I’ll accept your verdict. Don’t blame me when nobody comes here anymore.

I’ll move on. I’ll survive just fine. I got mine.

And I gave as good as I got, eh? Oh, sorry about that. It wasn’t me. It was the cheeseburgers talking. I had a bit of cheeseburger rage. When I write a book, it will help my book sales. Life is good.

I’ve learned that it’s only cheating if you get caught, and I still get to keep every minimum wage dollar I earned. That’s better living though cheeseburgers.

Yeah, so good luck selling Jimmy to your customers.  I’m laughing all the way to the bank.

Most Honorable North Korean Cheeseburgers

The Most Honorable Kim Jong Un, Forever Leader of North Korea, has an announcement: Hey America! Dude. Let’s grab a cheeseburger. Please. No? Damn you!

Yeah America, I’m talking to you. Okay, look dude, I really just want to be cool like you. That, plus everyone around me is hungry and it bums me out. So let’s grab a cheeseburger and hang out. Deal?

Don’t you get it. No? Well then you’re gonna get it. Don’t you mess with me, America. I’m in a fighting mood. In fact, I’ll meet you down on the playground in ten minutes. You will? Well, um, okay, I’ll let you know about that.

I just remembered. I got a thing. But I’m telling you, you’ll be hearing from me.

Consider this. I have already befriended American royalty, Sir Dennis Rodman, the Duchess of Detroit. If you will just meet me for a cheeseburger and beer, you will also see how cool I am.

If you, America, will meet me for a cheeseburger, I will even quit pretending the giant pencil from our giant pencil factory is a missile. I’ll also quit pretending that my geraniums are uranium. Come on, dude. You know all this.

Since you have been so willing to humor me, can’t we just get together and watch a Miami Heat game? Oh, and can you bring the cheeseburgers? We don’t have any.

I mean it, America. I damn you. I hereby declare it so. How’s that feel?

One more thing. Hey China! Dude. Let’s grab some Chinese food. Do you know where I can get any?


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The Assault Cheeseburger Ban

First they came for my big gulp sodas, but I said nothing because I don’t like big gulp sodas.

Then they came for… well, they haven’t come for anything else yet, but just wait. Freedom and liberty are at stake, or steak. Maybe they are coming for steak. I would, if someone was serving steak. But I am not them.

They are mean people who do not like freedom or liberty and so I am afraid that by the time they come for the cheeseburgers there will be no one left to speak for the cheeseburgers. It is an historically slippery slope.

Actually, first they came for assault weapons, but no one took that talk seriously.


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Holy Green Beer And Cheeseburgers!

Happy St. Patrick’s Day! After St. Patrick killed the snakes, he cooked cheeseburgers for everyone in Ireland, right?

Cheeseburgers and potatoes; probably French fries.

It’s hard not to feel especially Catholic these days, what with a new pope and all. So after a brutal primary campaign and three televised debates, a new pope has taken the oath of office. With the most fun Catholic holiday upon us, is there a better time to talk about a little rebranding? Wine and wafers were so last pope. It’s time to move to beer and cheeseburgers.

You know, update the whole model more along the lines of Buffalo Wild Wings, where the bartender can speed up the sermon with the remote control. Of course, there would be a bartender. It’s St. Patrick’s Day.

It’s a perfectly logical evolution. Argentina is known for beef. Pope Francis is from Argentina. So does a new Pope mean cheeseburgers in church? It would be easier to do than involving women.


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The TSA Cheeseburger Policy

I love the new TSA cheeseburger policy allowing knives on airplanes. Knives are used to cut tomatoes, which go on cheeseburgers. Right?

Finally, there is government agency responsive to the needs of the people. I need a slice of tomato on my cheeseburger, which I plan to eat during a game of darts, or perhaps a little skeet shooting. Flying is safe again!

Soon, I’ll be able to wheel a grill with a huge propane tank to seat 23D and ask the guy across the aisle to flip my burger for me. There is too much regulation if I cannot cook cheeseburgers a mile in the air. If knives don’t cause a problem on a plane, would propane and fire? I can’t imagine a huge propane tank would represent any danger, as long as I take my shoes off before boarding.

Cheeseburger Drones of the Future

Best case scenario: Big Brother’s big brother, Bob, is a cheeseburger-delivering drone. Worst case: collateral damage worse than cholesterol.

Rand Paul talked almost 13 hours about the limits of presidential power when it comes to drone warfare. The question isn’t whether a president can order an American killed on American soil, or anywhere in the world. Of course he can, just as easily as he can order a cheeseburger.

Now, if there were cheeseburger-delivering drones for all Americans, that would be awesome. But it’s probably too expensive.

Life is cheap, cheeseburgers are expensive.


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Dow Jones Cheeseburger Economics

The Dow Jones Industrial Average surged to a record high on Tuesday because cheeseburgers taste good, said a prominent professor of economics.

According to a compelling new cheeseburger-based economic theory spelled out in a hastily-called news conference by Professor Eddie Mustard of Freecheezeburgerz University, there is an unofficial and, until now, unnamed 31st member of the Dow. Everyone knows that there are 30 official members of the Dow – Walt Disney, Bank of America, Exxon Mobil and the like.

Freecheezeburgerz Inc. is the secret 31st member of the Dow, he said.

The secret presence of the Freecheezeburgerz Inc. brand on the Dow caused other CEOs to order free cheeseburgers for their employees, and that was the moment when productivity and profits in America began to grow again, said Professor Mustard.

“You can even google it for proof, now that this story is on the Internet,” he added.

Professor Mustard explained that after the stock market crisis of 2009, the cabal of left-handed hobos that run the world secretly put Freecheezeburgerz Inc. on the Dow Jones Industrial Average because there is near unanimous agreement across both the financial world and the left-handed hobo world that cheeseburgers taste good.

While Freecheezeburgerz Inc. itself has never actually made anything, not even cheeseburgers, or provided any service, such as just serve cheeseburgers, Professor Mustard said this business model is proven to attract investors, and people who own cell phones.

Pressed by the Freecheezeburgerz Daily Bugle on the specifics of the Freecheezeburgerz Inc. business model, Professor Eddie Mustard of Freecheezeburgerz University said, “the important thing is that cheeseburgers taste good… Cheeseburgers taste good, and the stock market is at an all-time high. This is not a coincidence.”

He ended the press conference with these words: “It’s economics. I’ve got a theory, therefore I am an expert.”


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Dennis Rodman’s Cheeseburger Diplomacy

Dennis Rodman, as secretary of state for the nation of Freecheezeburgerz, was given a suitcase full of cheeseburgers and one assignment. Pick a best friend.

That is how our president, me, ended up in a fantasy basketball league with Kim Jong Un. The point is that you can give a suitcase full of cheeseburgers to virtually anyone and make peace with absolutely anyone else. This has now been proven.

As a country, Free Cheezeburgerz did not set out to make peace with anyone. What’s the point of that? Our country just wanted a new friend.

There are so many nations, it can make your head spin. That is why our nation chose Dennis Rodman as secretary of state. He has enough piercings in his head to stop it from spinning.

Our country honestly thought finding a best friend would be a deliberative process by Dennis Rodman, as if he was signing with an NBA team. We figured he’d get a high-powered agent involved in the negotiations with multiple countries, and there would be all sorts of gamesmanship as these countries vied to be our new best friend. Our country even thought of hiring Jim Gray to do a show on ESPN. We could call it, The New Best Friend Decision.

The truth is, Free Cheezeburgerz is a bit of a novice at being a country but we like sports. So after we declared our independence, and I was unanimously elected president, we received a resume from Dennis Rodman, and we had an epiphany.

We need a foreign policy, we thought.

Naturally, Dennis Rodman was the best person to represent Freecheezeburgerz all over the world. Still, when he returned and said Kim Jong Un wants us to call him and talk basketball, we sarcastically asked if Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was too busy. Dennis Rodman said yes.

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Cheeseburger Sequestration Restaurant

Just as $85 billion in cuts to America’s cheeseburger budget take effect, I opened the Cheeseburger Sequestration Restaurant.

This is the best cheeseburger restaurant in the America, catering to everyone. There will be a left side of the restaurant, and there will be a right side of the restaurant.

On the right side of the Cheeseburger Sequestration Restaurant, prices will be be very low. The cheeseburgers will be made from horse meat or whatever meat-like product that is available on the free market, which includes the back of a truck on the Jersey Turnpike. Cost savings and all other effects from no food inspections will be passed directly to the customer. This right half of the Cheeseburger Sequestration Restaurant will be built without permits to save money for the customer. All chairs will have three legs. There will be one corner of the right side of the restaurant wrapped in gold and diamonds. Only 1 percent of all customers will be allowed in there. Restaurant rules will require everyone like it that way.

On the left side of the Cheeseburger Sequestration Restaurant, prices will be extraordinarily high although you may notice many of your neighbors eat for free. Much of the left side of the building will be built out of $4,000 hammers, though there will be some wood and brick too. It will be inspected, and solid. Some inspectors will somehow soon own mansions. This half of the restaurant will choose to borrow heavily from a vegetarian on the other side of the world. The cheeseburgers will be spectacular, and so will the bills, causing worry that the vegetarian bankrolling the left side of the Cheeseburger Sequestration Restaurant might begin thinking of switching from cheeseburgers to seaweed. But on the left side of the restaurant, it will be fun not to worry about the vegetarian who keeps lending the restaurant money.

The bar will be strategically in the middle because the Cheeseburger Sequestration Restaurant encourages obstinate confrontational behavior. The bar will serve cheeseburgers missing either cheese or burger.

After all, the Cheeseburger Sequestration Restaurant is more than just a restaurant. It’s also reality TV.  It’s just not reality, or is it?

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