Vet This! How to Pick a Running Mate
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June 19, 2008
Barack put me in charge of finding his running mate. Don’t tell John because, you know, John put me in charge of finding his running mate. Don’t tell Barack. Shhh.
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I’m tempted to pull a Dick Cheney, because how cool would it be if I could put Freecheezeburgerz on both tickets? I’d say that the concept even beats a chicken in every pot… plus the debates I have in my head every day could actually be televised!
And I could do it too because any good vetting process would easily eliminate every citizen of the USA. And then, if I don’t bother to vet myself, I can go ahead and pick myself. I’m not saying that’s how Cheney did it, but I now know how he was thinking. At least the Cheney half of my brain does… (Everyone has a Dick Cheney half… it became law as part of the Patriot Act.)
But this is bigger than my own interests, or even those of the candidates. This comes down to the needs of our country. And we need someone not named me.
And so I recommend a chameleon.
The best running mate for both candidates is a gun-control female who, in a different environment, morphs into a male lifelong-hunter. A gender-neutral sport coat and haircut might work just fine as long as the policy positions and shoes can change from venue to venue.
But then again the media – as everyone knows – is biased and hypocritical especially against biased, hypocritical people and they would probably point out quote-unquote discrepancies in the candidates positions from audience to audience. Someone might even point to the shoes – which could destroy all but the very best chameleon.
So although finding a chameleon is Plan A… I’m going to propose Plan B. Celebrity.
Helping Barack Obama Pick His Vice President
Okay Barack, my first thought is Bugs Bunny – you know, for the matching ears. But I’m just talking here, Barack, so hear me out because I think I can find you a perfect sidekick to make you appear more you know, regular. So while I’m on Bugs Bunny let me throw Elmer Fudd out there because he can help lower that elitist thing you throw around like so much brie.
Okay, no animated characters. I hear you. You are animated enough. I get it.
You need someone regular and yet with gravitas among the many.
Your choice is obvious: Larry the Cable Guy. He’s got the look, the attitude, and by his look and his attitude – he probably has beer. With your charisma and Larry the Cable Guy’s beer, in four years everyone in America will be shouting “four more years!” That’s right, I’ve got your new campaign slogan.
Obama/Larry - Yes we can. Burp.
Helping John McCain pick His Vice President
Everyone is saying you need someone younger to bring vitality to your ticket but I want you to think outside the box with me, John.
Listen John. We both know that you are young at heart but the country needs someone old to compare you with and so… two words: Nancy Reagan. She gives you everything… female, Reagan… um, female, Reagan…
Look, if you can get females and Reagan fans, you win. Simple.
You agree? Let me call her.
(Time passes)
Listen John, I have another idea. How about Amy Winehouse. Sure, she’s British and a bit of nutcase, but she’s got that “No, No, No,” song that is a good balance to all that “Yes We Can” crap from Obama. Yes we can? No, we can’t! Tell them, John.
I know you wanted me to vet Tweety Bird because of Obama’s support among animated animals. I did. And, well, with your age and him always imagining he sees a puddy tat, he would be more of a detriment than an asset, although he would bring up your poll numbers in the helpless yarn-spinning granny demographic.
Your choice is obvious: Hannah Montana. She’s perfect in every way that you are not. And you are the same for her. Plus if you are going to keep the war and the tax cuts going, you can use her slogan like a straight-talk express:
McCain/Montana - The best of both worlds.
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Previous columns
Conspiracy Theories and such
NASCAR Crew Chief George W. Bush & Driver John Q. Public
NFL Draft - Analyzing Reggie Clinton, Reggie McCain & Reggie Obama
Goodbye Rocky Colavito's Curse
Roger Clemens Versus Barry Bonds - Movie Pitches
The Fake Tony Stewart "Goodyear-Is-My-Barber" Commercial
The Amy Winehouse Obama Song For Pittsburgh Pirates Fans
If The Presidential Candidates Entered The 2008 Daytona 500
Theory #3, Milk-or-Whiskey Democracy
Rules For Bad Bosses
Will Vote For Money
Bag O' Burgers #1
Theory #2 - Fenway Park
Theory #1 - Vick's Dogs
Freecheezeburgerz - CURRENT COLUMN
Other Stuff
Please Don't Build The Cape Cod Wind Farm
Lyrics
Freecheezeburgerz - CURRENT COLUMN
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FREE! -
Free words inside every book!
(Let's go racin')
RADIO! RADIO!
You can listen HERE for an 11-minute radio interview I did about "The Complete Idiot's Guide to NASCAR" with Mike Tabback on his Pit Tour Show at 780 KAZM in Phoenix.
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You just may not know it yet
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Plus an EIGHT-PAGE COLOR INSERT of great NASCAR action.
(photos (mostly) by the great photographer, Bryan Hallman)
The Complete Idiot's Guide To NASCAR is available at ALL THE GOOD BOOKSTORES and at Amazon.com.
Check out my other websites:
Whatzgonnahappen.com
(NFL predictions/satire)
Briantarcy.com
(my writing business)
Freecheezeburgerz For Money
(a store)
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