And I’m not talking about some stinkin’ Billy Goat. That’s not a curse, that’s destiny.

But Rocky Colavito’s imaginary curse can’t be destiny because the Cleveland Indians have a Cy Young pitcher, the best centerfielder in baseball, an RBI machine playing catcher for gosh sake, and a baseball stadium that reflects how Next Year that this year actually is because, obviously, it’s Progressive.

Tigers, schmigers – this is Next Year for the Cleveland Indians. Every resident of Freecheezeburgerz knows that this is really it. Wait till Next Year, they’ve always told us. Well, we’ve waited. For instance, I’m wearing a Max Alvis jersey.

Therefore, since it has been exactly 60 years since their last World Championship, I hereby declare that this is the actual Next Year, the exact one we’ve been waiting for.

And now that my declaration has made it obvious that the stars have aligned, can you even believe how great this Next Year is going to be? Can you even fathom? I mean, what do you wear to a parade?

My logic reaches through the depths of the lineup and the bullpen and the farm system. This team is built. This is “Now” team. And the system is ready again to produce another surprise like last year’s Asdrubal Cabrera.

Plus the Cleveland Indians rotation will be the best in baseball and the pitchers in waiting are as good and as prepared as any minor league system. There is also a really strong bullpen as well, and though Joe Borowski worries me, Masa Kobayashi – a star in Japan – intrigues me. The lineup is one of the best in baseball - balanced and powerful and as good as the Tigers, Red Sox or Yankees.

Plus, there’s the CC situation. Indians fans have been here before, eh? CC Sabbathia loves Cleveland. Maybe as much as Jim Thome, or Manny Ramirez, or Joe Carter…

Therefore this is Next Year because a free agent has once again made it mandatory that it happen this year in Cleveland or never. But it’s not about the money. It’s about respect, which, of course, is only measured by dollars.

And the Indians just don’t have the amount of respect needed to pay a superstar for seven or eight years. No mid-market team has that kind of respect.

But the money situation with the American League Cy Young Award winner makes the Indians a must-win team. Sabbathia is going to want (and get, most likely from the Red Sox or Yankees) $22 million a year for eight years. And the Indians aren’t going to do that.

Therefore, they have to win. And since they have to, they will. That’s a no-brainer – requiring, as it says, no brain. I qualify.

And so to continue, let’s briefly look at the Detroit Tigers that all the people with brains are so in love with. Their big pickup at pitcher, Dontrelle Willis, has gotten worse for three years in a row. Miguel Cabrera, meanwhile, is estimated by medical authorities to be a mere two pies away from a severe hamstring pull.

And so clearly, the Indians will finish in front of the Tigers and go on to the American League Playoffs. And I have it on some good made-up authority that the Indians spent the off-season playing mandatory video baseball.

In video baseball, team rules allowed them to look at only one pitch over and over again – Josh Beckett’s curveball.

If they can hit that, this year really is Next Year. Of course, if they could hit that, last year would have been Next Year.

And so, now, this year is Next Year because who can wait again until next year for Next Year…

And besides, Rocky Colavito never actually cursed the team.

It was his trade to the Tigers that cursed the team. And this year the Indians have finally gotten past that… I think.

Previous columns

Conspiracy Theories and such
    Roger Clemens Versus Barry Bonds - Movie Pitches
    The Fake Tony Stewart "Goodyear-Is-My-Barber" Commercial
    The Amy Winehouse Obama Song For Pittsburgh Pirates Fans
    If The Presidential Candidates Entered The 2008 Daytona 500
    Theory #3, Milk-or-Whiskey Democracy
    Rules For Bad Bosses
    Will Vote For Money
    Bag O' Burgers #1
    Theory #2 - Fenway Park
    Theory #1 - Vick's Dogs
    Freecheezeburgerz - CURRENT COLUMN


Other Stuff
    Please Don't Build The Cape Cod Wind Farm
    Lyrics
    Freecheezeburgerz - CURRENT COLUMN

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