Long an organization in disarray, the Pittsburgh Pirates have declared that Somali pirates are successful pirates so maybe they could become successful Pittsburgh Pirates. The last time the Pittsburgh Pirates were good was when a young skinny kid named Barry Bonds played for them.

Future Bonds deniers may doubt that the young man with the regular-sized head in Pittsburgh actually became the large-noggined San Francisco Giant, but no one can deny that the young Pirate named Bonds was the last to lead the Pittsburgh Pirates to success.

So now, according to classified documents obtained by Freecheezeburgerz, the Pittsburgh Pirates have become jealous of the good press of the Somali pirates and have adopted as a team motto, “If you can’t beat them, have them join you.”

Somali pirates, who regularly earn millions using a leaky rowboat and a small outboard motor, have proven they can succeed with a lower payroll than their competitors. Thus, the Pittsburgh Pirates plan to hire a Somali pirate as general manager as well.

In related news, the Cleveland Indians are hoping to open a casino in order to raise the money to buy a pitcher.

Previous columns

Conspiracy Theories and such
    GM's Demise Caused By NASCAR Driver Kyle Busch
    The AIG Bonus Letter To Executives Revealed
    FEAR ITSELF Says "Boo!"
    Manny Should Return To Cleveland
    Ten New Sponsors For NASCAR
    Obama Agrees To Manage NY Yankees
    Scott Boras Will Get You A Multi-Year Deal!
    Lebron Declares NY Is A Suburb Of Cleveland!
    Pete The Plumber Is Pissed!
    Sarah Palin Is A Robot!
    Feds Bailout NY Yankees
    Media Elite Apologizes To GOP, Promises No More Questions
    NASCAR Will Borrow Rivalries From NFL
    Non-Voters Hold Their Own Convention
    Manny Ramirez Enters Every Olympic Event
    Brett Favre's Old Sofa Talks To Greta Van Susteren
    Lost Marbles In Two Acts
    Vet This! How to Pick a Running Mate
    NASCAR Crew Chief George W. Bush & Driver John Q. Public
    NFL Draft - Analyzing Reggie Clinton, Reggie McCain & Reggie Obama
    Goodbye Rocky Colavito's Curse
    Roger Clemens Versus Barry Bonds - Movie Pitches
    The Fake Tony Stewart "Goodyear-Is-My-Barber" Commercial
    The Amy Winehouse Obama Song For Pittsburgh Pirates Fans
    If The Presidential Candidates Entered The 2008 Daytona 500
    Theory #3, Milk-or-Whiskey Democracy
    Rules For Bad Bosses
    Will Vote For Money
    Bag O' Burgers #1
    Theory #2 - Fenway Park
    Theory #1 - Vick's Dogs
    Freecheezeburgerz - CURRENT COLUMN


Other Stuff
    What NASCAR Taught A Liberal About America - Election Day Column
    Please Don't Build The Cape Cod Wind Farm
    Lyrics
    Freecheezeburgerz - CURRENT COLUMN