CONSPIRACY THEORY #3 : MILK-OR-WHISKEY DEMOCRACY
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January 2, 2008
So Iowa, New Hampshire and the rest of America walk into a bar.
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“What’ll it be?” asks the bartender, some guy named Joe Democracy. It’s not his real name.
“I’ll have some milk,” says Iowa. “Whiskey for me,” says New Hampshire. The rest of America asks for beer.
“Sorry,” says the bartender. “We now only serve milk or whiskey.”
“Since when?” asks America.
“Since those two guys ordered.”
“But…”
“Milk or whiskey?”
“I want beer.”
Suddenly Iowa laughs. New Hampshire too.
“What’s so funny?” asks America.
“Well, we’ve both had beer,” says Iowa.
“Yeah. Lots of beer,” says New Hampshire. “Soda too. We’ve tried water. I tried juice.”
“And I even drank wine once,” says Iowa.
“So what we’re saying is that you don’t want beer, or any of that other stuff,” says New Hampshire. “You want whiskey.”
“Or milk,” says Iowa. “I recommend milk.”
“So what’s it gonna be?” asks the bartender. “Milk or whiskey? C’mon, I’m giving you free choice.”
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Previous columns
Conspiracy Theories and such
Theory #1 - Vick's Dogs
Theory #2 - Fenway Park
Bag O' Burgers #1
Will Vote For Money
Rules For Bad Bosses
Freecheezeburgerz
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Check it out! -
(Let's go racin')
MY NEW BOOK
CHAPTER ONE BEGINS...
"Imagine driving almost 200-mph in bumper-to-bumper traffic. Now imagine driving like that in your own car.
Talk about rush hour.
This is a book about the world of NASCAR (National Association for Stock Car Automobile Racing) - big-time automobile racing in which the cars look like yours, sort of. And that's why, if you watch for even a little while, it's easy to imagine yourself driving one of these cars.
Let's say you are driving from Cleveland to New York City (or, if you'd like, New Orleans to Dallas) in this kind of inches-away wild traffic and for all 500 miles 42 other stubborn, road-rage-waiting-to-happen drivers around you will do most anything to get there first - including team up, even with you.
Imagine a crossroads where technology meets human skill. Your hands are on the wheel and your scruples are on display.
For some reason, this route has a lot of left turns, millions of people are watching and, oh yeah, corporate America has placed a very large bet on you getting there first. Plus, get this - there could be a fiery sedan-flipping crash at any instant and you might have no choice but to be part of it. Yes, people have died doing this. Others have found incredible glory. Some have found both.
Inches away. Are your palms sweating yet?
In this opening chapter, you'll get an introduction into the appeal of all kinds of racing as well as a basic explanation of NASCAR racing, which is a specific kind of automobile racing featuring cars that look like yours."
IT'S A GREAT CHRISTMAS PRESENT. ORDER IT TODAY!
The Complete Idiot's Guide To NASCAR is available for preorder today at Amazon.com.
Check out my other websites:
Whatzgonnahappen.com
(NFL predictions/satire)
Briantarcy.com
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