BAG O' BURGERS
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October 25th, 2007
I usually vote, but sometimes I just think…
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- My goal this week is to have a celebrity give me an illegal dog - and then find out if it tastes like chicken. (I kid. Everyone knows that dog - except for marinated St. Bernard - does not taste like chicken.)
- The idealist in me wants Dennis Kucinich, the pragmatist in me wants Joe Biden, and the realist in me is already grudgingly accepting Hillary Clinton or Rudy Giuliani as my next president. Meanwhile, the human living in me today has George W. Bush as my current president and that's why I support Stephen Colbert as the perfect replacement.
- Al Gore should be fun at this year's Heisman Trophy presentation. I did not know he could pass like that.
- Clint Bowyer, who I am hoping will win the Nextel Cup, started the 2007 NASCAR season with his Jack Daniels car upside down and on fire crossing the finish line in 18th place of the Daytona 500. Can Peyton Manning do that?
- When did Bill Buckner change his name to Joel Skinner?
- "Raising Sand" by Robert Plant and Alison Krauss is a soft, fun, moody bluegrass version of Led Zeppelin's magic. Before you ask me what I am smoking, just listen.
- Two out of five New York mob bosses wanted a hit on Rudy Giuliani in the 1980s. They should have gone to dental school, where four out of five graduates are trained to make important gum decisions on a daily basis. Gum decision/gun decision…oh - never mind.
- If you are insulted by a $5-million-a-year offer to manage a baseball team, you have a good life.
- If your baseball manager makes the playoffs 12 years in a row, offering him a mere $5 million a year is insulting.
- FOX News is investigating whether Al Quaida was responsible for the car crash next to the white picket fence at the corner of Oak Street and Plum Avenue.
- Imus in the morning was the best radio show ever. Now that he's discovered the line in the sand (under a moving tide) that applies to him, I can't wait until he comes back. I want to find out which campaigning weasel feigns idealism to get out of being questioned by the I-Man.
- I have a cheeseburger flag.
Previous columns
Conspiracy Theory
Theory #1
Theory #2
Freecheezeburgerz
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Check it out! -
(Let's go racin')
MY NEW BOOK
CHAPTER ONE BEGINS...
"Imagine driving almost 200-mph in bumper-to-bumper traffic. Now imagine driving like that in your own car.
Talk about rush hour.
This is a book about the world of NASCAR (National Association for Stock Car Automobile Racing) - big-time automobile racing in which the cars look like yours, sort of. And that's why, if you watch for even a little while, it's easy to imagine yourself driving one of these cars.
Let's say you are driving from Cleveland to New York City (or, if you'd like, New Orleans to Dallas) in this kind of inches-away wild traffic and for all 500 miles 42 other stubborn, road-rage-waiting-to-happen drivers around you will do most anything to get there first - including team up, even with you.
Imagine a crossroads where technology meets human skill. Your hands are on the wheel and your scruples are on display.
For some reason, this route has a lot of left turns, millions of people are watching and, oh yeah, corporate America has placed a very large bet on you getting there first. Plus, get this - there could be a fiery sedan-flipping crash at any instant and you might have no choice but to be part of it. Yes, people have died doing this. Others have found incredible glory. Some have found both.
Inches away. Are your palms sweating yet?
In this opening chapter, you'll get an introduction into the appeal of all kinds of racing as well as a basic explanation of NASCAR racing, which is a specific kind of automobile racing featuring cars that look like yours."
IT'S A GREAT CHRISTMAS PRESENT. ORDER IT TODAY!
The Complete Idiot's Guide To NASCAR is available for preorder today at Amazon.com.
Check out my two other websites:
Whatzgonnahappen.com
(NFL predictions/satire)
Briantarcy.com
(my writing business)
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