Enclosed you will find $1 million in small unmarked bills. This constitutes your performance bonus for the last year in which you helped bring an infusion of $173 billion in federal money into our company.

We couldn’t have done it without you.

As you know, we are granting you this bonus because you have a contract and in America we honor contracts, unless you happen to be in the United Auto Workers or any other union. Then we rip up contracts and call factory workers “selfish.”

But you are an executive and deserve to be rewarded.

It is precisely your vision that put our company in the position it now enjoys. Your wild-eyed risks were so huge and incomprehensible that by the time it was discovered, we had Barney Frank declaring our company was too big to fail. George W. Bush dug us more than Iraq. Barack Obama adores us more than hope and change. Heck, I’ve heard that Tim Geithner and Henry Paulson are naming a love child after us.

And why? It’s all because of decisions you made.

Just the other day I stumbled over $4 billion of federal money I that I left by mistake in the executive bathroom, and it made me think of you and your contributions. Actually, being in the bathroom made me think of your contributions.

And since we were out of toilet paper, I put that federal money to good use.

Insincerely,

Edward M. Liddy
CEO
AIG

P.S. Burn after reading.

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