The Dow Jones Industrial Average surged to a record high on Tuesday because cheeseburgers taste good, said a prominent professor of economics.
According to a compelling new cheeseburger-based economic theory spelled out in a hastily-called news conference by Professor Eddie Mustard of Freecheezeburgerz University, there is an unofficial and, until now, unnamed 31st member of the Dow. Everyone knows that there are 30 official members of the Dow – Walt Disney, Bank of America, Exxon Mobil and the like.
Freecheezeburgerz Inc. is the secret 31st member of the Dow, he said.
The secret presence of the Freecheezeburgerz Inc. brand on the Dow caused other CEOs to order free cheeseburgers for their employees, and that was the moment when productivity and profits in America began to grow again, said Professor Mustard.
“You can even google it for proof, now that this story is on the Internet,” he added.
Professor Mustard explained that after the stock market crisis of 2009, the cabal of left-handed hobos that run the world secretly put Freecheezeburgerz Inc. on the Dow Jones Industrial Average because there is near unanimous agreement across both the financial world and the left-handed hobo world that cheeseburgers taste good.
While Freecheezeburgerz Inc. itself has never actually made anything, not even cheeseburgers, or provided any service, such as just serve cheeseburgers, Professor Mustard said this business model is proven to attract investors, and people who own cell phones.
Pressed by the Freecheezeburgerz Daily Bugle on the specifics of the Freecheezeburgerz Inc. business model, Professor Eddie Mustard of Freecheezeburgerz University said, “the important thing is that cheeseburgers taste good… Cheeseburgers taste good, and the stock market is at an all-time high. This is not a coincidence.”
He ended the press conference with these words: “It’s economics. I’ve got a theory, therefore I am an expert.”