2010 NFL Mock Draft – Mock, Mock, Mock
by BT ~ April 19th, 2010.The 2010 NFL draft consists of geniuses with agendas, and the duped. This is meant to be mocked. Most mock drafts mean “I pretend.” This mock draft is more of the “I ridicule” type.
1)St. Louis Rams – Rush Limbaugh. The Rams run confidently right and backwards, but the pain pills are so awesome you won’t even know it’s backwards.
2)Detroit Lions – Akio Toyoda. Barry Sanders could mainline a vial of Fountain of Youth Juice (available at GNC) and team up with the test-tube grown DNA of Bobby Layne and it still wouldn’t be as satisfying as seeing Toyoda with that gas pedal in his mouth at every home game.
3)Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Tiger Woods. You’ll thank him for the topless cheerleaders. Plus this team is used to playing under par.
4)Washington Redskins – George Washington. Two years from now, Daniel Snyder will fire him for underachieving.
5)Kansas City Chiefs – Bob Dole. He brings Viagra politics to football. Rise up, and then lose!
6)Seattle Seahawks – Meriwether Lewis and William Clark. Lewis and Clark, who are dead, have as good of a chance of discovering the End Zone as any living Seahawk.
7)Cleveland Browns – Lebron James. If he leaves Cleveland, so does the “Cleveland” part of Cleveland.
8)Oakland Raiders – Jose Canseco. He’ll bring credibility back to the franchise.
9)Buffalo Bills – O.J. Simpson. Because no one talks about the Bills anymore.
10) Jacksonville Jaguars – Tim Tebow. Just build the cathedral and spare the rest of us.
11) Denver Broncos – A poster of Brady Quinn. It displays as much arm strength as the real thing.
12) Miami Dolphins – Sonny Crockett. Nothing says Parcells like pastels.
13) San Francisco 49ers – Steve Jobs. Winning? There’s an app for that, even though there is not yet an app for a quarterback.
14) Seattle Seahawks – Bill Gates. App? How about an old version of Windows Vista to help out Pete Carroll. Yeah, that should end well.
15) New York Giants – Lehman brothers, Merrill and Lynch, Goldman and Sachs. The middle of the draft is a crapshoot, so professional gamblers will help.
16) Tennessee Titans – Al Gore. Climate change needed.
17) San Franscisco 49ers – Nancy Pelosi. She can strongarm other teams to get a couple of extra wins.
18) Pittsburgh Steelers – Lawyers, guns, and money. And a babysitter.
19) Atlanta Falcons – Newt Gingrich. He’ll call Matt Ryan the most radical quarterback in the history of the team, and demand to go back to the steady vision of Michael Vick.
20) Houston Texans – ZZ Top. They’re not asking for much. They’re just looking for some wins.
21) Cincinnati Bengals – Jerry Springer. He’s a good locker room guy.
22) New England Patriots – Scott Brown’s truck. Even empty symbolism can take you far. Just ask the last Patriots Super Bowl trophy – from five years ago.
23) Green Bay Packers – Video of Brett Favre’s final pass last year. Bratwurst never tasted so sweet.
24) Philadelphia Eagles – Season tickets to the Redskins
25) Baltimore Ravens – A fork to go with Ray Lewis’ knife.
26) Arizona Cardinals – Sarah Palin. With Kurt Warner retired, Arizona fans are reminded that no one is more prepared to take over than the one who sounds like George Wallace in a mini-skirt.
27) Dallas Cowboys – The Texas School Board. They’ll rewrite the history of what is known as “The Jerry Jones’ Vodka Show.”
28) San Diego Chargers – California Pot Initiative Voters. At least they’ll understand.
29) New York Jets – Bernard Madoff. “This is a results-oriented business,” explains Rex Ryan.
30) Minnesota Vikings – The makers of “Depends.” To help Brett Favre figure out what to do next.
31) Indianapolis Colts – Simon Cowell. He helps guide Peyton Manning’s transition into commercials.
32) New Orleans Saints – George W. Bush. Just to give him rookie housing in the Lower Ninth Ward.